How do I process my hurt?
Lolita got hurt by the rejection of her cousins and other relatives during a clan-wide hotel party. They were ignoring her, making her feel unwelcome during conversations.
“They’re all shit! From now on, I don’t see them as family anymore!” she reacted strongly in anger.
Lolita unnecessarily lost control of herself – transferring power onto those relatives, which only made things worse.
Psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud once wrote about 3 healthy ways to “process your hurt.”
One: Acknowledge the wound. Don’t deny.
It’s denying when you shrug off, ignore, or avoid appearing weak or vulnerable to a loved one.
Two: Stay connected. Don’t isolate.
Withdrawing or acting self- sufficient only makes things worsened. Both for you and your relationships.
Three: Practice self control. Don’t be controlled.
When hurt, it can be so easy to lose control of your emotions. That makes life and relationships harder to handle constructively.
When Lolita was a little child onwards to her teen years, her alcoholic father used to beat her up. She did experience a very wounded childhood.
There were no one around to help her enough to process her hurts and trauma. As a result, the unprocessed wounds followed her in the shadows as she grew into young adulthood.
Her father’s physical abuse and emotional unresponsiveness affected Lolita’s relational life in a destructive way.
She too became violent in her romantic relationships. Then later on, in her marriage.
When pissed off, her reactions had always been filled with out-of- control physical violence, damage to property, isolation, and alcoholic binges.
Why? All because Lolita had not been able to connect enough to her inner self to connect to another person in a healthy way.
“When it comes to expelling the superfluous elements of a painful experience, like waste, do not underestimate the power of making an intentional decision to stop fixating, ruminating or perseverating on what has happened. Having some clarity on what you’ve learned will help you discard what doesn’t serve you (or anyone else, for that matter) about the painful experience by focusing you on the future.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
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