How can you deceive your self?
Francois de la Rouchefoucald once wrote,
“We are so used to disguising ourselves from others that we end up disguising ourselves from ourselves.”
One time, I was speaking to two lawyers. Husband and wife. In a marital therapy session.
The wife showed pictures, text messages, and even a video evidencing her husband’s affair with his secretary.
The husband denied everything during the session. “It’s not me. It’s made up,” he said. Despite obvious evidences.
With self deception, you see what you want. You ignore what is in plain sight. You live in a world of false realities.
Social psychologists have a term for it: “counterfactualizing.” It means, quite literally, thinking and perceiving contrary to facts.
When a person counterfactualizes, it’s often in situations when one is upset or caught guilty of an offense.
It somewhat gives one a feeling of mastery to explain events. Soothe or console others. Allows one to blame others or justify one’s actions.
Perhaps you’ve observed or experienced more ways on how people deceive themselves.
Among family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, public figures etc.
Let me cite several situations where this seems to happens all the time:
• make choices without considering consequences
• automatically rejects help or shuns advice
• overspends wildly, with ballooning credit card bills
• repeatedly entering abusive or inappropriate romantic relationships
• dwells on regrets and resentments and can’t move on
• prematurely terminates a therapy relationship
• justifies multiple sexual relationships because of love
• claiming sobriety and faithfulness after years of casual sex with multiple partners
• attributing one’s health to frequent drinking, smoking marijuana, or junk food
• and so much more …
Self deception is pretty universal among humans. It misleads. It distracts. It handicaps. It undermines one’s self and life.
How can you deceive your self?
“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?,” as Jeremiah put it (17:9)
The hardest part of self deception is the process of being aware of what you are hiding from your self.
There’s often a cement in it mixed with selective inattention and rationalization.
Therapy is power. Even a small increase in self awareness can go a long way.
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