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Control Your Self When Talking

In repairing a broken relationship, a basic rule of thumb is: control your self when talking.

“I’ve a very hard time talking to my husband. I feel so hurt and disrespected by his affair. I get out of control even attacking him physically,” shares Tina during a Skype therapy session.

Even during our sessions together, Tina finds herself ballistic. Yelling and lashing at her husband whenever something hits her nerve.

She still loves her husband though and is committed to fix their marriage. But the situation is so difficult for her. She can’t control her self when speaking.

Infidelity is a deepest cut in any relationship. Both for the betrayed and the infidel.

In marriages affected by infidelity, a lot of drama is typical. And healthy communication is very important in order to move past the wound.

control your self when talking

How do you do that?

“Charging neutral.” It’s a communication principle propounded by Dr. Bob Huizenga, a noted infidelity therapy expert.

Dr. Huizenga writes,

“Charging neutral means that you communicate with your partner in a direct and calm manner, making sure you get your point across properly without yelling or fighting, without being defensive or sarcastic, without any side comments or remarks.”

Charging neutral is to control your self when talking. It’s ability not to react to your partner’s negative behavior.

There are steps or guidelines which can make this happen. 

Take a few deep breaths, for example, before responding to the other person.

Keep your tone calm.

Relax your body language and actions.

Don’t make threats.

Avoid degrading physical and verbal attacks.

Whatever the issue being discussed, big or small, charging neutral will help you with it. It’s a proven effective tool to move forward faster.

Charging neutral makes you attractive to your partner. It helps him or her to trust that you will not explode or burst when issues are faced.

As Dr. Huizenga describes it,

“Your partner will be able to trust in the strength you are showing because he or she will be sure that no matter happens, you will approach everything with calm, you won’t back down, and you will speak the truth.”


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