Ask yourself a question about your personal sexuality: Is it addictive sex or healthy sex?
Arnie feels trapped. He can’t control the almost-daily habit. His porn and casual sex with masseurs in the spa.
After work, that’s when his addictive sexuality strikes. A time when he feels tired, drained, or bored.
Arnie uses addictive sex for escape. It’s conquest or control for him to fill up his needs for self esteem.
Sex therapist Dr. Patrick Carnes gives us a differentiation between “addictive sexuality” and “healthy sexuality.”
He writes:
“Addictive sex feels shameful. Often it is illicit, stolen, or exploitive. It comprises values and draws on to fear to generate excitement. Addictive sex often re-enacts childhood abuses, disconnecting one from oneself. A world of unreality is created, allowing self-destructive and dangerous behaviors. Based on conquest or power, it is seductive and dishonest. Serving to medicate and kill pain, addictive sex becomes routine, grim, and joyless. A tough taskmaster, the addiction requires a double life and demands perfection.”
Dr. Carnes contrasts it with healthy sexuality:
“Healthy sex adds to self esteem. It has no victims. It deepens life’s meaning and uses vulnerability for excitement. Furthering one’s sense of self, healthy sex helps the individual become an adult who assumes responsibility for needs. It expands on reality by relying on safety. It is mutual and intimate. Originating in integrity, healthy sex may include legitimate suffering; it dares to face pain. It presents challenges while integrating the most authentic parts of oneself. Healthy sex is fun and playful and allows for the imperfect.”
Each one of us chooses what sexuality means for him or her.
Here are further questions to ask yourself regarding your sexual choices:
What would feel good to you – personally, interpersonally, and sexually?
What priorities do you need in your life?
What do you deserve?
How can you nurture your self in a way that is safe and life enhancing?
Where do you need to take risks to grow?
What’s your vision of the ways sex can be healthy for you?
Is it addictive sex or healthy sex for you?
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