Do not idolize your child. Or, your relationship with him/her.
“My children reject me. They’re not responding to my calls and messages. They’ve been siding with their Mom and her wealthy affair partner. It pains me how much they’re being unfair to me. I did the best I could to reach out to them,” recounted Bobby, during a Zoom therapy session.
Bobby has been a long-term victim of infidelity and betrayal trauma wound. After 10 years of emotional suffering, Bobby received news one day that his wife had died.
His deceased wife’s millionaire affair partner did all he could to use money to poison the minds of his children both when she’s alive and since her death.
Our children are important people to us. We love and care for them. But they should not be idealized or enshrined.
They are mere mortals, imperfect human beings. Do not idolize your child. Like you and I, they’re subject to vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and unhealthy, even sinful choices.
Of course, it’s painful when you experience your child rejecting or betraying you. It could overwhelm anyone in the aftermath to a certain extent.
However, it’s one thing to feel hurt, sad, and disappointed. It’s another thing when you can’t take care of yourself or focus on anything else other than them.
Bobby is actually remarried now to a beautiful wife with kind, loving step-children. Over time, he’s able to “transform” the sufferings he went through.
In therapy, he realizes that he’s best served by reminding himself that he has other relationships in life that are important as well. He learns to focus on the ones that work.
Bobby takes care of himself and his personal power by not idealizing his children and his relationship with them.
In her book, ”Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway,” author Dr. Susan Jeffers offers an internal “script” that applies when you’re coping with a rejecting child.
“This child is not my life. If we are meant to be together, we will be. If not, so be it. I trust that my Subconscious Mind and the Universal Energy are creating the perfect relationship for me. I can let go, trusting that everything is happening perfectly. My life is full. My life is rich. There is nothing to fear.”
Do not idolize your child. To do so would be like worshipping a “counterfeit god.” Your child may not keep or deliver promises. He/she is a fallible human too.
Our ultimate trust and security in relationship can only belong to the true God.
Psychotherapist Dr. Sharie Stines, in an article she wrote for Psych Central, comments:
“ …. if you were and still are an abusive parent, then perhaps your child did what was necessary in order to protect him or herself from further abuse; but, if you are a typical, good enough parent, then your child’s rejection is unnatural and unhealthy for all involved. … Don’t beg. No matter how hurt or desperate you feel to have a relationship with your rejecting child, never stoop to the level of begging for attention or even forgiveness. You will not be respected by your child if you beg and it will demean your position as a parent. Be empowered. Don’t let your rejecting child steal your personal power … don’t get to the place where you feel personally defeated.”
Dr. Stines also explains the importance of “letting go:”
“One thing that is certain about life is that it is all about letting go. As parents, our job is to raise our children to the best of our ability and teach them how to be independent, productive adults. If, during the process, they choose a path we don’t agree with, we must remind ourselves that we can’t live their lives for them. Learning to let go is the best way to manage any part of life that doesn’t go the way we expect, including when our children choose to reject us.”